Everything I knew about polyamory was white

Polyamory is being discussed more in popular US culture, providing greater access than ever before. As an Iranian American, queer, polyamorous femme, I have always longed for something more than can be found in mainstream polyamorous discussions.

I could not put this desire into words until I attended my first group for polyamorous BIPOC. The group was virtual, but there was a sense of collectivism, generosity, and vulnerability I had never experienced. It felt like home.

I was thankful to have my multiple identities honored. Too often, I have left a part of myself at the door. This acceptance was beautiful.

But it was even more than that. I had frequently discussed emotions in predominantly white polyamorous spaces. In this group, we felt them. People’s stories were received with compassion and care, regardless of where they were in their polyamorous journeys.

That experience led me to seek out other polyamorous BIPOC, and I immediately found Evita Sawyers. Her daily reminders of polyamory—now published as a book--helped me through a difficult time in my life. I am deeply grateful to call her my friend.

Evita led me to other Black, polyamorous content creators and educators like Marjani Lane, Chaneé Jackson Kendall, Gabby Alexa, and Dirty Lola. They have been instrumental in my journey and educated me about what white polyamorous leaders had been missing.

How we view relationships in the US is tied to colonialism and whiteness. European colonizers enslaved African Americans for centuries and enacted genocide on native Americans. These violent acts imposed hierarchies of white supremacy into the fabric of society.

Oppression becomes internalized; as an Iranian American immigrant, I believed that I was less than my white American peers throughout my adolescence. Feeling loved so profoundly by my phenomenal life partners and chosen family have helped me heal.

White perspectives are centered in polyamory discourse. The same values that characterize whiteness, such as individualism and rationalism, have seeped into polyamorous culture. Polyamorous BIPOC have helped me reclaim the collectivism and generosity that are part of my Iranian culture.

Another dehumanizing tool that the European colonizers used was labeling African and native folk’s tribal and extended families as deviant. Instead, a white, monogamous, heterosexual, nuclear family was imposed as the ideal. Married couples became the pinnacle of relationship success, exalted above all else.

In US culture, we still center couples. We expect “the one” to satisfy all our needs, which seems like an impossible expectation. If a couple is exploring polyamory, they will need to work hard to un-learn these patterns.

Polyamory has been a path for me to un-learn couple-centricity, expand the way I love, and nourish myself.

So, for BIPOC, polyamory is not new; it is an antidote to our oppression and a return to ourselves. For me, it’s a return to being a small, confident child in Iran, surrounded by family and feeling deeply loved.